Numb Toes make for good books

Here's a shameless plug for the Numb Toes series of books by John A. Senneff on the timely topic of peripheral neuropathy. I'm only to page 57, and I'm loving it! ( Of course, the esteemed and pioneering David Mendoza has discovered them some time ago.)

These are sensible, specific, and direct. The books use enough technical language accompanied by enough explanation that I, with my high-school biology remnants tucked away in my brain, can understand it. And I may be able to talk to my physicians rationally. If only I had found these books last summer!

But I cannot dwell on what might have been. I must deal with what is.

I have an EMG study scheduled at the big medical school hospital in June. The descriptions I've read of EMG tests make them sound very similar to acupuncture. What fun! I hope I don't get a student.

The online description of the Mr. Big Neurologist, who I finally see in late July, does not mention peripheral neuropathy. Instead it mentions ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease or Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis-and I typed that all by myself without looking it up. Hope you're impressed.) which is the disease that took Dr. Parts' mom, Karen. I'm sure he knows what he's doing. But the coincidence, that he was likely involved in making her diagnosis or in her treatment plan, and that I'm now referred to him, makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

And having seen ALS and Diabetes Mellitus both close up, I'd still choose Diabetes Mellitus, even with Peripheral Neuropathy.

I feel pretty angry that neither my podiatrist, nor my internist raised the possibility of neuropathy when I presented with kinda classic symptoms: bilateral (or symmetrical) pain and pain that was worse in the evening or overnight and interfered with sleeping. Were they just being optimistic when they steered me towards finding a solvable mechanical problem with my foot? I don't know.

I don't like going to so many medical appointments, and neither does my employer. I'm having a fairly good week, pain wise. I'm a little concerned about how much money my medical care is costing our family this year, but this will all work out, I'm sure. Not treating my pain is not a good choice, and worrying about the cost of treating my pain is not useful. I'm worth it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I love being able to blog here, although I will admit to being somewhat self-editing, due to the fact that both of my parents do read the stuff I write here.

I know, in a perfect world, since we're all adults now, I could say ANYTHING to my parents and it would be okay. But I'm not perfect. They love me, and I love them. We're not too angry with each other. I like that. I'd like to keep it that way. And I'm sure they understand.

I love you guys. All of you.

Many stones

I've been hiding out for a little bit. I'm having trouble adjusting to the idea that I have neuropathy. It brings up all sorts of nasty feelings.

Did I do enough to control my diabetes the past eight years?

Did I do this to myself? Is all this pain my fault?

My HbA1cs have been fairly good, but I'm sure I have swings into highs that create the possibility of damage to my nerves and blood vessels, while the blood is overloaded with glucose.

Is this foot pain a physical manifestation of my thoughts? My negative emotions? Is it a punishment?

You know what I mean, I think. And yet these thoughts are lies. Because I haven't abused myself. I didn't wish this on myself. My faith is not weak. God's grace abounds, even to me.

I had my follow up visit with the NP at the Pain Clinic today. The MRI did not show any actionable flaws. It did show a little bit of degenerative joint disease in my great toe, but only on the left foot.

They recommended that I visit the psychologist for 8 sessions. He'll apparently teach me some coping techniques and tools that often prove helpful for folks with chronic pain. (And no, seeing the psychologist does not mean that they think the pain is all in my head. It means that I want to use my mind effectively in this battle.)

I haven't gotten past the (competent, highly effective, polite but immoveable) scheduler in the Neurology department, so I have to follow up with that. The NP assures me that the neurologist should be able to figure out whether the pain originates from a nerve injury (such as Joplin's neuroma) or from neuropathy. I'm hoping that the neurologist may have some sort of prediction of the course of the condition.

We tweaked the meds a little. I do feel like the pain is diminished, but I don't feel like it's conquered. I like the direction of the trend. I feel I can walk more. I don't feel like I have to ration my steps or my standing time. I'm still in my clunky unfashionable shoes.

Life is good. I think I can live with this pain. I think that it is not a punishment. And I don't think that it's OK for me to throw stones at myself, figuratively, thinking that I didn't do a good enough job at managing my diabetes.

Maybe I could have done better, eaten fewer bites of this, chosen that more often, but it's in the past. I have to deal with what is. No second-guessing, unless I can gain wisdom for the next set of choices.

Life is good.