I've missed you!

I have missed blogging. It's true. Even though I have not blogged, I have not forgotten about blogging.

I may need to take the blog in a different direction. I'm now informed that the use of 'diabetic' as a noun to describe a person with diabetes is inappropriate. Bleah. I've been so discouraged by my foot pain, and discouraged about the path of my diabetes. I've been thinking that I will not reach my goal of being very old and very healthy, with diabetes.

Work's been crazy. My numbers have been up, but my physician seems, to me, to be slow to act. She wants to test and wait, test and wait. I'm ready for Lantus or Byetta, but she's reluctant. I believe she knows that the insurance company won't pay for Byetta until we go through all the other (cheaper) options.

Dr Parts & I went on vacation. We went to Florida and spent a week in the Orlando area. We spend lots of time in DisneyWorld and also visited the Kennedy Space Center. Lots of fun.

About 1 week before the vacation, I had a classic diabetes experience. I discovered a foot injury VISUALLY. In other words, I injured myself, but did not realize it until I was pulling off my socks later in the evening. I must have stubbed my toe, and split the nail, at about a 45 degree angle, to about halfway down the nail bed. Yup, it was bloody and everything. It was my right big toe. That's where the numbness is starting.

Damn. Time to get slippers or something to wear around the house. I ordered some Keen sandals. I like their toe protection, and it's still close to barefoot. They still haven't arrived.

After I got back from vacation, I went and got a pedicure, and the gal helped work on that right toenail, to make sure it does not become ingrown, after such a deep injury. However, she also worked on the left large toe toenail. And whatever she did, IT has become infected and slightly ingrown. Curses! How does this happen?

I took my new little portable scooter on vacation. My feet felt surprisingly good throughout the vacation. The photo at the top is me, having volunteered, at the Disney Hollywood Studios park. Note the water gear. Do you think that Lori will get wet in the next few moments? Why, yes! Yes, she will!

I'll post more photos, perhaps tomorrow.

Gratuitous Cuteness

It's Chico, the cute dog.

I got my last 2007 Blue Moon Rockin' Sock Club offering today. I LOVE IT!

Beautiful blue-green colorway. It's what my stash would be full of, if I did not show restraint.

And my house would be full of little doggies like the above cuteness if I did not show restraint.

Curses.

Misplaced Meter

I've misplaced my meter, the one I use to get my morning readings.

Which means, I haven't tested my fasting blood sugar in roughly four weeks.

Not great.

I saw this story on ABC today. I thought it summed up the thought nicely.

Now for a different topic: I have a secret quest.

I've been on this quest for some time now. I am in search of the perfect french dip sandwich. I love them!!

The beef should be good quality, but not too thickly sliced. One should be able to separate the beef into bites without sharpening one's teeth. The beef should not be too fatty.

The broth should not be excessively salty. This is hard to tell, as it should be salted, but not excessively salty. There should be plenty of au jus. One should not run out of au jus mid-sandwich.

The bread is key. The bread should not have been microwaved. Do not microwave the bread as it will, in that case, be pre-sogged. The bread should be a french or italian style, which means that it has a nice crust on it, with a good loft, and nice airy cells with which to absorb the jus. It should be significantly different from any standard fast-food hamburger bun. Soft white bread is not worthy of the french dip sandwich.

Cheese is unnecessary. Mayonnaise is unnecessary.

It's always a risk for me to order a French Dip at a restaurant, because I have such high standards. I hate it when I find out that they've used a hamburger-style bun and microwaved it. Yuck.

I will have for you a few examples of both the good and the bad french dip in the next few weeks or months.

Happy Diabetes Day!

I'm pretty angry about diabetes right now.

This disease is awful. It is persistent, ever-present. I feel like it is consuming me, bite by bite.

I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of having a chronic disease.

And I'm tired of the social and political leaders in North America not taking obesity and diabetes seriously. Come on!

Why will they (the infamous they) not pay for weight-loss programs? Why will they not pay for gym memberships and exercise classes? Why are they willing to pay for metformin, but not for New Balance shoes? Why do they quibble over which meter I use, only paying 50% of the test strip cost on this one, but 80 % of the test strips on that one?

Wouldn't an aggressive treatment early on in the disease help make sure that they don't have to pay for kidney dialysis? Would they prefer to pay for orientation and mobility training after another person with diabetes loses his sight to retinopathy? Why withhold mental health treatment for a person dealing with this day in and day out disease?

I feel like I need a coach, a friend, a Jiminy Cricket, to chat with me and encourage me through my day. I don't want to talk to another person about what she has lost to diabetes. I don't want to add to my own list.

Those of us with our diagnoses of diabetes must lead the way. We must be involved and committed to ensuring the health of those who receive their diagnoses five years later, ten and twenty years later, and yes, even one hundred years later.

Your first responsibility is to your own health. But you do have a responsibility to the rest of those around you who also have diabetes. We're counting on you.

And I'll do my part too.

Discouraged

I have not died. I have not fallen off the planet. I am discouraged.

I'm discouraged about my diabetes. My numbers are up. I imagine my HbA1c is going to be around 8.5-9.0. It needs to be below 6.5, 6.0 for best control. And control is important to me, because good control means the best chances for my neuropathy to NOT advance or to advance only minimally.

I've signed up to participate in a study up at OHSU. This study is with Dr. Lou, a neurologist. The study coordinator is Grace. They're studying a known herb to see if it will keep my nerves healthy or permit them to heal. I go in on Wednesday to get my capsules. I hope it's not placebo. The study will last about a year.

I have to check with Dr. Lou and see what we can add to my diabetes regimin that will not impact his study. I'm thinking insulin or Byetta.

I weigh about 195 lbs, which is, I think, my lifetime heaviest. I feel quite desperate about my weight. I'm not fat enough for bypass surgery, but I haven't been successful at losing the weight myself. My foot problems seem to limit thepossibilities of exercise. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Diabetes is a tough disease. (I know this.) It's a day in and day out challenge. (I know this.) And one has to just tough it out, do the daily choices to maintain good health. (I know this.)

And I know that depression goes along with it, and that I'm doing all the right things, as much as I can, to cope and continue on.

I wish it got easier.

I feel guilty about posting such a negative post, because I want to be encouraging to others with diabetes. But I'm struggling. I'm discouraged.

But I'm still in here. And the good days will return.

Play Therapy

I wrote several emails today and got strange questions from my co-workers about them, so I think my brain is 'off' somehow. Here's hoping this entry will make more sense.

Two delightful social workers, S & E, spent their weekends entertaining Dr Parts & me and a roomful of other prospective adoptive parents. [Jargon alert: PAP=Prospective Adoptive Parents, or Potential Adoptive Parents. Lots of new alphabet soup to me.] This was the Special Needs Adoption Coalition training provided for folks who are considering adopting kids who are in the custody of the State of Oregon.

S was especially good. I mean fabulously good. I mean'take me hope adopt me now please please please' good. Entertaining and informative. Realistic. Acknowledging how hard it really is. And it is hard.

So, if I can't adopt George and his brood, I'm happy to say that Dr Parts & I are happy to be considering adopting a boy or two through the State of Oregon.

Right now, I want these three cutie pies. They were listed in the Oregonian today, so I'm OK with linking up to them. Thankfull, Dr Parts will remind me of our practical limitations. In other words, it may be unreasonable to expect a 9th grader, an 8th grader and a kindergardener to share a single bedroom.

Sigh.

We have to collect lots of paperwork and we're probably 6 months out from being ready to present ourselves to the decision-makers as a home-study ready family. That and a lot of cleaning & sorting to do at home. Hopefully these three kids will already be with their growing-up family by that time.

But, we felt committed and ready enough to commit retail.

Thus, the photo. Lego Therapy. The kids may never get this stuff away from Dr. Parts.

Isn't there a LegoLand in San Diego? Or should we go right to Denmark?

I am still frightened that my health and/or my diabetes may prevent me from becoming a parent, even with the adoption route. My foot pain has to be under enough control to give me the emotional reserves to be able to deal with supporting growing boys.

Since seeing the fasting BG reading of 165 yesterday, I didn't test this morning. Not the most health-supporting move.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to live healthy and make good choices. Another day closer to being a mom.

Textbook of Pain

They put me in the wrong room for my latest appointment with the nurse practitioner at the pain center. I couldn't resist this photo. Do you see that book? Did youknow there was a Textbook of Pain?

Hopefully, all the medical team there have studied these books well and are applying them to me.

I do feel much better. My pain is at a manageable level.

My weight is up. 192 as of this morning.

My numbers are up. 165 fasting reading this morning. I see my Internal Medicine doctor on Friday. Will she suggest Lantus? Should I?

Grand Detour

Just south of where we live, in Brooks, Oregon, is Antique Powerland. It is indeed a great place, with all sorts of farm equipment, motors, trucks, and railway stuff-I'm sure there is a much more respectful term, but it escapes me at the moment. Two weekends a year-the last weekend in July and the first weekend in August-they have the annual Great Oregon Steam Up.

With apologies to farm equipment, motor, tractor, railroad, and all the other fill-in-the-blank enthusiasts, let me state, that if one is not farm equipment, motor, tractor, railroad, and all the other fill-in-the-blank enthusiast, this event could be pretty boring. Oh, logging equipment. I forgot logging equipment enthusiast. It is impressive. There are many beautiful examples of this 19th & 20th century technology. The shopping opportunities were ... limited, but pleasant.

There are not enough benches. There is lots of walking.

In my family, I am surrounded by folks who really do appreciate a fine machine and the wonders of mechanical thinking. So I go to these things. We walked. I sat when I could. My feet hurt. We did not overspend. It was hot. We did not overeat. Dr. Parts took lots (and lots) of photos & videos. We only got a little sunburned. The little dog did not bite anyone. She only had one illicit food opportunity.

How does this relate to diabetes? Does it relate to diabetes?

These machines, as I walk among them, show the loss of physical exercise that has contributed to the current epidemic of obesity among north americans. They show the development of technology that is part of the ancestry of the technology that we use in day to day modern life. The improvements that make the tractors safer, now make my car safer. The food on my table is plentiful, due to the efficiency of food production, harvesting, refrigeration and transportation.
And my magical little meter, that give me my numbers. How could I live without that?

My photo is of one example a display of painted tractor seats. (can't get photo to load-curses) They were ornate and beautiful. Similar purpose: to hold up the farmer, hopefully with a minimum amount of discomfort, as he worked. Variations in shape and size, in placement of logos, etc. All the same, all different.

That reminds me of the people I know with diabetes. In my office alone, today, I interacted with two people who have the diagnosis of diabetes. One guy, he's lost twenty pounds, and he's off all diabetes meds. He's working on getting off the blood pressure meds next. (I just wish I hadn't found his lost twenty pounds. Still, he solved a major crisis for us today. ) Caution bells go off in my head for him, though. His future is not that much different than mine. His sugar process is not normal. If he gains weight, he will regain his diabetes.

We are everywhere. I wish we weren't. I wish there were more and more former people with diabetes, "cured" diabetics, if you will.