Discouraged

I have not died. I have not fallen off the planet. I am discouraged.

I'm discouraged about my diabetes. My numbers are up. I imagine my HbA1c is going to be around 8.5-9.0. It needs to be below 6.5, 6.0 for best control. And control is important to me, because good control means the best chances for my neuropathy to NOT advance or to advance only minimally.

I've signed up to participate in a study up at OHSU. This study is with Dr. Lou, a neurologist. The study coordinator is Grace. They're studying a known herb to see if it will keep my nerves healthy or permit them to heal. I go in on Wednesday to get my capsules. I hope it's not placebo. The study will last about a year.

I have to check with Dr. Lou and see what we can add to my diabetes regimin that will not impact his study. I'm thinking insulin or Byetta.

I weigh about 195 lbs, which is, I think, my lifetime heaviest. I feel quite desperate about my weight. I'm not fat enough for bypass surgery, but I haven't been successful at losing the weight myself. My foot problems seem to limit thepossibilities of exercise. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Diabetes is a tough disease. (I know this.) It's a day in and day out challenge. (I know this.) And one has to just tough it out, do the daily choices to maintain good health. (I know this.)

And I know that depression goes along with it, and that I'm doing all the right things, as much as I can, to cope and continue on.

I wish it got easier.

I feel guilty about posting such a negative post, because I want to be encouraging to others with diabetes. But I'm struggling. I'm discouraged.

But I'm still in here. And the good days will return.